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Common Questions


Do you eat cereal dry from the bag? Are you really only looking for bites that feature raisins? Do you lose sight of the raisin at the last second and grope hopefully?

When Jimmy John's had dollar sub day...and a quarter of the kids "had" to go to Subway because lines were too long...was that the saddest day ever?

Anything more pathetic and discouraging than the video essays on SportsCenter?
 
Does my favorite moment in any song come when the guitar drops at 3:34 of "I Don't Know What I Can Save You From" by Kings of Convenience?
 
How terrible is it for me to actively wonder who will tell my story?
 
Why exactly is it that when your ass is wet and you shift in your seat even slightly the itching is uncontainable?

Remember when your pedals used to whip around and whack your shins?
 
Loads of people must've said all the songs on the Lord Huron album sound the same then thought about it a sec and concluded it must've been on purpose cause it's just too good, right?
 
How am I just figuring out that a box of raisiny cereal ought to be opened from the bottom.

When can we stop worrying that, if we use a drinking fountain next to and typically six inches lower than)another fountain already in use, we will negatively affect the water pressure of the other fountain?
 
Ya know how when you close the lid of your coffee maker it automatically swings the little hot water arm out over the coffee? Why can't I trust that?

Who can I get angry at over how Iowa seems the perfect place to go crazy thinking about how you're not married with children?
 
Why do all pillows with time brown like patiently roasted marshmallows?

Why must "owners" of Nordic type dogs always name these animals something Inuit-sounding?
 
What is it about giving an immigrant student a ride home in the cold that makes you want to text all your friends about how rich your life is in the hopes they'll believe as you hope to believe that somehow this is all worth it?
 
How long should you wait to brush your tongue after you've been vomiting?
 
How stupid would Rodney Harrison sound if he were on ESPN and not NBC?

If in these evenings I'm wearing socks for warmth and I step on the damp shower mat while taking a leak or brushing my teeth do I change my socks or can I tough it out?
 
Do elementary schools all over the country still regularly open their doors to traveling yo-yo salesemen?

How come I've never had one of those movie dreams where someone from my life visits me and tells me it's time to wake up and I say I don't want to and they insist, maybe cause they know I have to like save the day?

Am I to call Adrian Peterson "AD" or "AP"?

How awful must hangovers have been before television?
 
is there a name for this crap?
 
Do Shakespeare scholars who type in Arial very often wonder whether they've written "lambic" when they meant to write "Iambic" at the start of a sentence? 

 

Remember '90s CD players that, even - especially - when turned off, scrolled through their various functions - Cassette, CD, Am Radio, FM Radio, Antenna, Aux - in appalling neon?
 
I sat on a desk in front of a favorite student - in front of an entire class. He said the classroom was too warm. I told him I was gassy. I used a folder as a fan and had i actually been gassy two birds would have been dead as shit?

 ya know how after you've eaten a Butterfinger and it feels like half of it is stuck in your teeth and will always be there? Then you do something and don't think about it for a few minutes and finally lick your teeth and they're pretty clear?

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