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Holier than Y'all

You did me wrong, me. You made a killer highlight video and a killer promo video and now that is the expectation.

You do me wrong, "Mad Men." My heart doesn't give a shit about a single one of your characters.

You do me wrong, downtown Salvation Army. You have so much inventory, so poorly organized, that it's not even worth looking and really at this point you should be encouraging shoplifting. Non-Shoplifters will be prosecuted. 

You do me wrong, television cameras. Through you I can never see rain falling during sporting events. When it's raining.

You do me wrong, anyone who claims to have an addictive personality.

You do me wrong guys that show up to men's league games at the last second just so you have an excuse for being terrible.

You do me wrong soccer people who spend much energy discussing formations.

You do me wrong really anyone who mentions that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

You do me wrong, folks who suggest that in order to ensure the survival of a file "you" should email it to "yourself" as though you came up with that shit. 

You do me wrong, restaurants whose names start with words like "flying."

You do me wrong, men who, when asked if you have kids, snicker, "None that I know of."

You do me wrong, sports bars that don't play game audio.

You do me wrong, disc golf. The second I begin to play you, i start to mourn the fact that, with each passing hole, I am that much closer to being done playing disc golf that day.

You did me wrong, Foreigner. you rhymed "mind" with "mind" in the first line of "Hot Blooded."

You do me wrong, stores that use plastic bags that sometimes have those little holes in the bottom.

You've done me wrong, anyone who ever let someone bite into a lemon cookie or a piece of lemon cake without a heads up.

You did me wrong, late-'80s music critics. You should've been much harder on Weird Al Yankovic for the faulty premise of his song "She Drives Like Crazy." That song's all about a woman who's a terrible, dangerous driver. But the term "like crazy" of course suggests that this is simply a lady who really likes to drive, man.

You did me wrong, the first person/company to decide it'd be a good idea to loop the audio on DVD menus ad infinitum.

You do me wrong, people who talk about how great grant hill's pass to christian laettner was on that buzzer beater to beat kentucky.

You do me wrong, white American males who close emails with "Cheers." Asterisk.

You do me wrong, historians who make reference to casualty figures without distinguishing between dead and wounded.

You do me wrong, people who put R.I.P./In memory of stickers on the backs of your cars.


You do me wrong, people who, when asked how you're doing, respond: "Livin the dream." 



You do me wrong, Iowans with vanity plates that have anything to do with the either of the state's major universities.


You do me wrong, organizers of and participants in organized fitness events.

You do me wrong, professional darts and billiards leagues. Why should there be gender separate leagues for these quote unquote sports?

You did me wrong, members of the obviously unsuccessful band archipelago. i called dibs on that band name last summer, and now i have to scrap my 
tshirt design.

You do me wrong, any school or organization that adopts "I am..." for your marketing campaign.

You do me wrong, people who talk much about super bowl commercials.

You did me wrong, anyone who ever struggled to write a speech and resorted to using the dictionary definition of a word as your springboard.

You've done me wrong, goodwill. you organize your shirts by color and not by size.

You did me wrong, anyone who ever jokingly suggested that something could be fixed using nothing but duct tape.

You do me wrong, moms who have stickers of families of sea turtles representing your own families on the backs of your SUVs.

You did me wrong, anybody who has ever stood, extended your arms straight up, and shouted "It's good!" after a soccer player has hit a ball well over the goal, splitting the football uprights. And throw in anybody who screams "Get in the hole!" at a golf tournament.

You did me wrong, any high school kid who ever wrote on your car or someone else's car during homecoming.

You did me wrong, popularizer of inserting "well" into the middle of an article or advertisement as a means for establishing a degree of informality. "People say we have the best chicken burgers because, well, we have the best chicken burgers."

You did me wrong, anyone who ever described the newer, faster, better version of something as blank "on steroids" or the more intense, crazy version of something as blank "on crack."

You do me wrong, college kids around the nation who think you're cool filming yourselves making "impossible" shots. 

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