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Friday:

Constants:

I'll never be okay with pro soccer players faking injury. I'll never be okay with it on any level.

I always be using the side key card entrance at hotels. 



announcements:

I wrecked my VHS of "Cliffhanger" by rewinding it four times in like two days.

A friend suggested to another friend that it's best to do pull-ups palms out in case he should ever drive off a cliff and - in a movie - have to climb to safety.

I had to write out the word "Simplicity" on this video I made for my students because, the way I was saying it, it was being misheard.

Putting the toilet seat down hasn't been an issue or even a thought for me since Tony jumped in back on Columbia Rd.


FAQ:

What percentage of my persona is constructed around the idea of being tired all the time?


Grievance:

You do me wrong, cops and nurses. As a rule you're condescending. 
 

 




Friday:


Constants:

Referees always assume I'm going to attack them. So I always attack them.
 
Dropping anyone off at the airport I always get sad as hell.

I always rewatch "The Office" in its Michael Scott entirety every couple months.

I always love it when people shout "Free Bird!" at concerts or especially at other shit.


Announcements:

Bomani Jones looks like he has AIDS.

My most constant fantasy these days involves firing myself out of a cannon then shooting myself out of the sky. With the same cannon.

I really only have 1.5 default doodles.

We recently made a concerted effort to gather and organize all our water bottles.


Grievance:

You did me wrong, me. You made a killer highlight video and a killer promo video and now that's the expectation.


FAQs:

Do you eat cereal dry from the bag? Are you really only looking for bites that feature raisins? Do you lose sight of the raisin at the last second and grope hopefully?

When Jimmy John's had dollar sub day...and a quarter of the kids "had" to go to Subway because lines were too long...was that the saddest day ever?

Anything more pathetic and discouraging than the video essays on SportsCenter?








Thursday:


Constant:

that one older dude is always working at Animal LIfeline Thrift Store and he always makes me uncomfortable.

First generation quasi-intellectuals can be as insecure as anyone and often it comes off as arrogance and when it does it's always sad.


Announcements:

If it were truly necessary for your friends both to get you and to always be willing to show you they get you I'd have like no friends.

It'll probably be six months before I can return to the Ace Hardware on Beaver Ave. after that employee caught me appropriating a paver brick churned up by the construction out front.


Grievance:

You do me wrong, "Mad Men." My heart doesn't give a shit about a single one of your characters.


FAQ:

Does my favorite moment in any song come when the guitar drops at 3:34 of "I Don't Know What I Can Save You From" by Kings of Convenience?






Monday:


Constant:

At weddings I always grow really close to a few people I'd never met or never knew well then I never see them again.


Announcement:

In my life Lebron is and has been a far more incendiary topic than like abortion or politics or whatever.


nemesis:

Brenda from "Six Feet Under"


Allies:

Sourdough, Any Atrium 





Tuesday:

Constant:

I'm always at my most idealistic or egotistical or depressed while driving.


Announcements:

When you're telling a story about super-gluing the tips of your middle fingers because they split in the dry winter you can have both middle fingers extended and on display the whole time, as visual aids, and your students will love it.

Most great athletes don't know what makes them great and/or they can't convey that shit.

Every time a kid asks me if i washed my hands after using the bathroom i tell them don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

The most tempting behavior to interpret is tailgating.



FAQ:

How terrible is it for me to actively wonder who will tell my story?









Friday:


Constants:

When someone says something idiotic and/or hurtful it's never the comment that's really upsetting. It is, rather, always the fact that the comment points to the existence of a deeply flawed system of logic that's clearly been in operation for years, maybe decades, where the mind in question "thinks" it has "understood" two or three critical life or world events and has applied those "lessons" in a blanket fashion to as many subsequent events as possible.

i always feel extraordinarily alone during the commercial-less  commercial breaks on Watch ESPN.

i always try to incite revolution during fire drills.



announcements:

We need to invent an expression to replace the expression "reinvent the wheel."

When you watch Ben Roethlisberger highlights in a mirror he looks like the second greatest left-handed quarterback in the history of the NFL!

I find the question-expression "does that make sense?" to be pretty condescending.

If rather than me a friend had created passtherolaids I could never read it because I'd be too jealous.






Grievance:

You do me wrong, downtown Salvation Army. You have so much inventory, so poorly organized, that it's not even worth looking and really you should be encouraging shoplifting at this point. 





nemesis:

terrell Suggs








Wednesday:


Constants:

If I have to figure out how many of something are remaining, like holes in disc golf, I always have to at least start by counting on my fingers. I always have to remind myself it's not just subtraction.

You should never get your hopes up about a mango salsa doing the job in any sort of normal salsa situation.

It's never enough.

When someone rolls a 7 or plays a knight and they 'bout to rob me I always be shufflin my resources face down.

I'll never understand the appeal of happy hour.


I always assume that other people are happy as shit in their relationships and that other teachers are always doing their jobs.

I'll never be able to swallow a pill without a beverage.

When I'm riding up on somebody on the bike trail I always alert them by coughing like hell when I'm within about 50 yards.


Grievances:


You do me wrong, television cameras. Through you I can never see rain falling during sporting events. When it's raining.

You do me wrong, anyone who claims to have an addictive personality.


 

FAQs:

Why exactly is it that when your ass is wet and you shift in your seat even slightly the itching is uncontainable?

Remember when your pedals used to whip around and whack your shins?


Allies:

Ken Burns, Joe Maddon


Announcements:

The China One Int'L Buffet has its own friggin block.

Nothing sticks to anything like mozzarella to the plate when you've microwaved some leftover pizza.

The best thing about "Donnie Darko" is that Seth Rogen is limited to a dumb little character role.

I've decided to start saving flimsy taco shop napkins to blow my nose with.

IT's hilarious how quickly "Ancient Aliens" moves from one reality-shattering assertion to the next.

The description of cherries as nature's candy is so fucking apt.

Nobody wanted to say it and everybody was thinking it and they didn't want to jinx it: That was the most pleasant summer ever. 






Sunday:


announcements:

I don't eat nearly enough popsicles to know how to handle it when it starts fallin off the side of the stick at the end.


I just realized for at least the last twenty years as much as anything I've been chasing the last laugh.

I remember after Edgar died and I drove him back and buried him on Columbia Rd. writing a thank you note to the vet which ended "we had a great ride" - I remember really liking that line.

Pretty cynical, park benches placed right next to trash cans.



nemesis:


fIFA



Constants:


I'll always be dismayed and infuriated when a baseball game interrupts any regularly scheduled sports talk radio program mid-sentence and for the next five hours.

Nurses when they take my blood pressure will always ask if I'm a runner.

I'll always forget to take a stool sample when I take a cat for a checkup.

If you go to a public park during a nice enough weekday you'll always see laborers sleeping in their trucks.



FAQ:

Loads of people must've said all the songs on the Lord Huron album sound the same then thought about it and concluded it must've been on purpose cause it's just too good, right?






Tuesday:


announcement:

If you really want to upset a turtle flip him over then flip him off.


Constants:

I will never again try to understand a flow chart.

I would always rather thrift shop alone.

Paul Petta will always given the opportunity watch a shitload of ESPN News. 

always be more okay with the idea of eating boring at work.


Wordplay:

I tweeted to my team: "Banquet Thursday. Bring food. I'm gonna ride up on a white unicorn. Then kill it and grill it. Unicarne asada."


Ally:

Rick Carlisle




Thursday:


announcements:

They gave me a new toilet.

You know it's been a tough class when even sleeping pigeon is miserable.

The best songs are those recorded by Tegan and Sara then remixed by Morgan Page.

Grievances:

You do me wrong guys who show up to men's league games at the last second just so you have an excuse for being terrible.

You do me wrong soccer people who spend much energy discussing formations.

Constants:

If you knock down an opponent and help him up you can never make eye contact with him while helping him up.

Always way more likely to buy a pre-packaged bag of apples on a Sunday.

I've always had way more fun at the pre-party.

On projectfreetv you never have to let a Gorillavid stream load.

Proposal:

I propose they make it so every "weekend" day comes as a surprise like a snow day where you wake up and turn on the TV to find out whether you should feel free or devastated. What a rush.

FAQs:

How am I just figuring out that a box of raisiny cereal ought to be opened from the bottom?

When can we stop worrying that, if we use a drinking fountain next to and typically six inches lower than another fountain already in use, we will negatively affect the water pressure of the other fountain?

Nemesis: 

Bureaucracy






Sunday:


announcements:

When you spill a rum drink on your Qwirkle pieces simply throw them in a strainer and...coland them clean.


there'd been rain then sleet and thunder then hail then snow and this girl asked if the world was gonna end. Then without waiting for a response she said she was gonna rush home and make a frozen pizza before it went down.

Peeling an orange with a really tough peel that comes off in like 40 little pieces is a lot like peeling a really stubborn sticker off a hard surface or, especially, like, the clear plastic that's wrapped around a bouquet of flowers you get from the grocery store. 

Constants:

There's that spot above my bed under the window where I'll never be able to put a plant or anything because Mimi has to be able to perch there.

Grated parmesan will always get all over the place. 






Monday:


Wordplay:

I get really anxious on weekends. Weekend Worrier.





Monday:


Constant:

The risk in going to Carl's with Matt is always that he'll bail early 'cause he lives pretty much next door.


Announcement:

If you're a shitty indie band and you want your music to be on commercials for yuppie tech products ironically emphasizing individuality all you have to do is write and record a song that includes a repetitive "soaring" chant sung in unison by a man and a woman.

That Dido song "Quiet Times," when I first heard it I thought she said "I can't have you, you're in your head." When I discovered she actually says "I can't have you, even when you're here," I didn't feel as able to relate to the lyrics. Then I thought about it and I was privately embarrassed, in my car.
 





Monday:


FAQ:

Ya know how when you close the lid of your coffee maker it automatically swings the little hot water arm out over the coffee? Why can't I trust that?

Who can I get angry at over how Iowa seems the perfect place to go crazy thinking about how you're not married with children? 





Wednesday:


Constants:

When you're sitting at a table and you bounce your foot you can never really know how much disruption others at the table might perceive and really you never think about it because you never think about bouncing your foot while you're sitting at a table.

When you click on a show or movie on Netflix and it starts to load it always first jumps to 7 percent.


Grievance:

You do me wrong really anyone who mentions that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.



Announcements:

There was never anyone to root for in the RG3/Shanahan/Snyder situation.

I like make a point of not buying everything I need when I go to the grocery store just so I have a reason to go back sometime soon.

Brian Petta burns scented candles in his car while he's driving.

I took the trash out at Busy Bubbles and this was there by the dumpster so I took it.

Some years ago my parents spilled a box of packing peanuts in their side yard and when I go back I try to get them all up but there are always a few peanuts floating around no matter what. The point is I may never need another metaphor.


FAQ:

Why do all pillows with time brown like patiently roasted marshmallows?

Why must "owners" of Nordic type dogs always name these animals something Inuit-sounding?


Wordplay:

My sister's high school boyfriend was named Marty Linville and this pretty obviously informed my naming of the lint receptacle in my parents' basement-laundry room.






sunday:


Constant:

I'd always rather be the guy who's benching rather than the spotter 'cause when you're spotting that dude's always power breathing his acrid workout breath straight up into your nostrils and you just have to take it.


FaQ:

What is it about giving an immigrant student a ride home in the cold that makes you want to text all your friends about how rich your life is with the hope they'll believe as you hope to believe that all of this is somehow worth it?


announcement:

When great shows become self-referential the magic is gone.


Wordplay/Classroom:

First block in the lab, a bunch of nerds sit in a row. I call this "Nerderer's Row" and it is labelled as such.


Classroom:

New hallpass:





Tuesday:

Ally:

Bob's Burgers



Wordplay:

A student with a gross neck beard, it's almost furr...and he asked me how to spell prefer...and i said i'd prefer that he shave off his prefurr.


FAQ:

How long should you wait to brush your tongue after you've been vomiting?





Monday:

Announcements:

Curiously: the kiwi is and has been a staple of school lunches all over this country.

i changed up my drawers so that my pants are now where half my tshirts were and there's no telling how long it'll take me to adjust.


cLASSROOM:

lAST WEEK a STUDENT, WHEN ASKED WHETHER SHE THOUGHT THAT AN ANIMAL COULD LOVE A HUMAN AS MUCH AS A HUMAN COULD LOVE ANOTHER HUMAN, SAID NO IN PART BECAUSE, AS SHE PUT IT, "aNIMALS ARE NOT VIRTUOUS." tHE NEXT DAY OR SOMETHING A COLLEAGUE LEFT A CARTOON IN MY ROOM AND i DECIDED WE COULD DO BETTER WITH THE CAPTION. aFTER SOME DELIBERATION:

                                                  

Shirts:

                  




Monday:

Constant:

When you have a  men's league game and the other team doesn't show you always have some sort of scrimmage and it's never satisfying.



Announcement:

I've asked my students to stop raising their hands and start lowering their bodies.




Tuesday:

Nemesis:

Joel Penton





sunday:

Constants:

The brains of worthless moron sports personalities always go straight to Iverson when they hear the word "practice" and to Jim Mora when they hear "playoffs" and they can never keep their moron mouths shut about it.

When I'm wearing quality socks and I slip my feet into shoes without untying them all my foothairs get pushed back and it's always so uncomfortable I can't think about much else. 


Wordplay:

If I became a single woman I could change my last name to Tersimons and at least my work name would still be the same. 





Wednesday:

Announcement:

The thing is: playing disc golf alone is great because there's no small talk but the moment it becomes clear you won't approach your personal best that day it all feels pointless and you'd kill for a friend to beat and the two of you could bitch about how six is pretty much an automatic bogie when it's playing short.





Sunday:

Proposal:

i propose we all get together and agree never again to apologize in the follow-up to a previous email where we forgot to attach the document. 


Announcements:


We buy used houses, any condition.

Slouch is one of those words you almost never see without no in front of it.


Wordplay:

Jake didn't have any booze at his house. I suggested he ask the bartender to fill one of his shoes with vodka. Shoedriver.





Friday:

Announcement:

Being after a terrible player in a Scrabble rotation is a little like going after a terrible shooter in a multiplayer game of HORSE. This isn't all that similar to the situation in poker when a terrible player goes out on a ridiculous hand early and makes whoever took him or her out the sudden favorite. 

FAQ:

Just how stupid would Rodney Harrison sound if he were on ESPN instead of NBC?



Monday:

Announcement:

When you're playing catch in some shallow water and you lay out for one it's not a completion unless you hold the ball out of the water even as the rest of you is totally submerged. 


proposal:

Some writer should, in describing a maddening character in whose company other characters rarely know where they stand,  compare that character to an old square television with a ballgame on it and the score is always just out of the frame. 




Friday:

Wordplay:

A colleague had hung a festive line of mini Mexican hats from the lights in her room. The kids were curious where they came from. I said I wasn't sure who the guy was who'd put 'em there, it was just some brero.   


Shirts:


                             


                                                                                               



Monday:

FaQ:

If in these evenings I'm wearing socks for warmth and I step on the damp shower mat while taking a leak or brushing my teeth do I change my socks or can I tough it out?


Monday:

Announcement:


A chip or a cheeto dropped on a hard carpet isn't such a big deal. Step on it and it's a goddamn disaster. 




Thursday:

FaQs:

Do elementary schools all over the country still regularly open their doors to traveling yo-yo salesmen?

How come I've never had one of those movie dreams where someone I know who's died visits me and tells me it's time to wake up and I say I don't want to and they insist, maybe cause they know I have to like save the day?

Constant:

Putting a bite of eggs and such in your mouth and then taking a bite of toast or tortilla never tastes as good as putting that shit on the toast or tortilla before it goes into your mouth.





saturday:

Constant:

you're always gonna be okay if, the next day, you can just make it to the gym.



Tuesday:


Constant:

When you're moving into an empty left hand turn lane and the left turn arrow for the cross street is green you'll always want to proceed with caution as those turners, seeing no one in your turn lane, will always cut the corner.



Monday:


Constants:

If you're making a mix CD that includes a track that concludes with a strange drawnout intro into the next track this track should always be placed at the end of the CD.

If something bad happens in your area I'll assume everyone's calling you to see if you're okay so I'll never call.

FaQs:

Am I to call Adrian Peterson "AD" or "AP"?

How awful must hangovers have been before television?




Wednesday:


Constants:

When you put a new bag in a trash can and the first thing you throw away is heavy at all it'll always take the whole bag down with it.

i'll always have a soft spot for talk radio callers who pose a question then hang up to listen.




sunday:


Constant:

These fools will always declare "Breaking Bad" to be the second best show ever made. Always, of course, behind "The Wire."




Tuesday:


Constant:

You always feel sorry for the reasonably high-seeded ladies who are pitted against Williams sisters in the early rounds of majors because the sister has voluntarily taken a year off so she's unseeded.




Sunday:

Announcement:

You either buy fountain drinks or you don't.



Tuesday:

constant:

If you see an attractive woman driving a bigass pickup she's always married. That's never her truck.




Thursday:

constant:

If there's a magazine opened to a page with a pull quote sitting on top of the toilet i'll always read the whole quote every time i'm in there.


Announcement:

An alien left his shades on the sidewalk.

ally:  Mike Tyson

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