...did it to do it 
eat shit now

Things that
will never change.

When Opal and I hit the crosswalk button on Beaver in front of Holy Trinity we always do so unapologetically. 
I'm always asking myself if someone else could say what I might say here.
I'll never want to go out for lunch ever.
I'll never believe in 3-D printers.
It's always sad when one team considers another its rival and that shit is dismissively unrequited.
I'm always way more likely to actually mutter things to myself while I'm mowing the lawn.
I always delete emails from the school drinking club without reading them and the second they arrive.
I always question the automatic deification of Tony Dungy.
You can never decide what to watch on Netflix but if you're like renting a condo and there are five or ten stupid DVDs under the TV you're usually always stoked.

I always be using the side key card entrance at hotels.

Referees always assume I'm going to attack them. So I always attack them.

Dropping anyone off at the airport I always get sad as hell.

I always rewatch "The Office" in its Michael Scott entirety every couple months.

I always love it when people shout "Free Bird" at concerts or especially at other shit.
That one older dude is always working at Animal Lifeline Thrift Store and he always makes me uncomfortable.

First generation pseudo-intellectuals can be as insecure as anyone and often it comes off as arrogance and when it does it's always sad.
At weddings I always grow really close to a few people I'd never met or never knew well then I never see them again.
I'm always at my most idealistic or egotistical or depressed while driving.
When someone says something idiotic and/or hurtful it's never the comment that's really upsetting. It's the fact that the comment points to the existence of a deeply-flawed system of logic that has been in operation for years, maybe decades, where the mind in question "thinks" it has "understood" two or three critical life or world events and has applied those "lessons" in a blanket fashion to as many subsequent events as possible.

I always feel extraordinarily alone during the commercial-less commercial breaks on Watch ESPN.

I always try to incite revolution during fire drills.
If I have to figure out how many of something are remaining, like holes in disc golf, I always have to at least start by counting on my fingers. I always have to remind myself it's not just subtraction.

You should never get your hopes up about a mango salsa doing the job in any sort of normal salsa situation.

It's never enough.

When someone rolls a 7 or plays a night and they 'bout to rob me I always be shufflin my resources face down.

I'll never understand the appeal of happy hour.

I always assume that other people are happy in their relationships and that other teachers are doing their jobs.

I'll never be able to swallow a pill without a beverage.

When I'm riding up on somebody on the bike trail I always alert them by coughing like hell when I'm within about 50 yards.
I will always be dismayed and infuriated when a baseball game interrupts any regularly scheduled sports talk radio program mid-sentence and for the next five hours.

Nurses when they take my blood pressure will always ask if I'm a runner.

I'll always forget to take a stool sample when I take a cat for a checkup.

If you go to a public park during a nice enough weekday you'll always see laborers sleeping in their trucks.
I will never again try to understand a flow chart.

I would always rather thrift shop alone.

Paul Petta will always given the opportunity watch a shitload of ESPN News.

always more likely to be okay with the idea of eating boring at work.
If you knock down an opponent and help him up you can never make eye contact with him while helping him up.

Always way more likely to buy a pre-packaged bag of apples on a Sunday.

I've always had way more fun at the pre-party.

On projectfreetv you never have to let a gorillavid stream load.
There's that spot above my bed under the window where I'll never be able to put a plant or anything because Mimi has to be able to perch there.
The risk in going to Carl's with Matt is always that he'll bail early 'cause he lives pretty much next door.
When you're sitting at a table and you bounce your foot you can never really know how much of a disruption others at the table might perceive and really you never think about it because you never think about bouncing your foot while you're sitting at a table.

I'd always rather be the guy who's benching rather than the spotter 'cause that dude's always power breathing his acrid workout breath straight up into your nostrils and you just have to take it.
When you have a men's league game and the other team doesn't show you always have some sort of scrimmage and it's never satisfying.
The brains of worthless moron sports personalities will always go straight to Iverson when they hear the word "practice" and to Jim Mora when they hear "playoffs" and they can never keep their moron mouths shut about it. 

When I'm wearing quality socks and I slip my feet into shoes without untying them all my foothairs get pushed back and it's always so uncomfortable I can't think about much else.
Putting a bite of eggs and such in your mouth and then taking a bite of toast or tortilla will never taste as good as putting that shit on the toast or tortilla before it goes into your mouth.

You're always gonna be okay if, the next day, you can just make it to the gym.

When you're moving into an empty left hand turn lane and the left turn arrows for the cross street are green you'll always want to proceed with caution as those turners, seeing no one in the turn lane, will always cut the corner.

If you're making a mix CD that includes a track that concludes with a strange drawnout intro into the next track that track should always be placed at the end of the CD.

If something bad has happened in your area I'll assume everyone is calling you to see if you're okay so I'll never call.

When you put a new bag in a trash can and the first thing you throw in is heavy at all it'll always take the whole bag down with it.

I'll always have a soft spot for talk radio callers who pose a question then hang up to listen.

You always feel sorry for reasonably high-seeded ladies who are pitted against williams sisters in the early rounds of majors because the sister has voluntarily taken a year off so she's unseeded.

If you see an attractive woman driving a bigass pickup she's always married. That is never her truck.

If there's a magazine opened to a page with a pull quote sitting on top of the toilet I will always read the entire quote every time I'm in there.

When you fall asleep to "The Office" or "South Park" you're always gonna wake up every 23 minutes or whatever.


On TV, the best way to illustrate that a person was really smart as a child will always be to have a parent mention how they always loved to "take things apart and put 'em back together again."

Bathroom doors that lock with just a little button on the handle will always scare the shit out of me.

I'll always try to hide my doodle by resting my pen on top of it, just so.

It's always far less alarming to watch a woman walk into a ladies' room barefoot than to watch a man do the same.

People will always often ask if they've woken me when I answer the phone.

I feel pressure from all sides to eat my hummus with pita chips and sometimes, yes, i cave and i always wish I'd gone tortilla.

The thought of learning a new board game is always, at first, overwhelming and is accompanied by a measure of doubt regarding the character and intellectual aptitude of the person offering to "teach" you.

I'll always take a steam room over a sauna because of the white noise, man.

I'll never attend your big super bowl party.

I'm always amazed by the fact that there is, undeniably, a nerd walk.

As I drive around on cool clear evenings with my windows down listening to great music and I see that two-thirds of the cars I'm passing don't have their windows down I always feel like I could put any of those people in my passenger seat, windows down with a great song, drive, and something in them would shortly recognize "wow, this was here all along" then I'd drop them off and they'd forget it all right away. I also know, always, that it's not fair for me to think that way.

If you make a reckless maneuver in traffic you always have to drive "that way" for the next several blocks so that other drivers think you drive like a real badass...not just a neurotic white man who made a mistake.

When walking around, like, a lake it is always advisable to walk against the flow of traffic so that you can look at people.  and if you're walking with  a companion and you look ahead and can see that a person you're approaching is strange in any way that demands immediate commentary you always have to keep a straight face, look to the side or at the ground and kinda talk low and through your teeth on an exhalation like a ventriloquist. 

In movies, after a night of passion, and after one lover has risen early and slipped out unnoticed, the remaining lover will always, in his or her first act of wakefulness, roll over with eyes closed and grope blindly for the departed partner; eyes open and he or she will suddenly have quite a bit to think about.

After a cat has knocked an object off a table he or she will always very shortly lose interest in the object.

I will always rerack my weights.

I will never be able to forgive Paul Pierce for faking an injury and being carried to the locker room during the 2008 NBA Finals.

Adolescent boys will always urinate all over traditional toilets. So the urinal to toilet ratio in schools should always be at least 5:1.

When watching a series on Netflix or DVD, it's always weird to watch a Christmas episode.

Fleet Foxes will always remind me of Crosby, Stills, and Nash. And I will always hold that against them.

Televisions should always be situated at seated eye-level.

I will always regret not having placed a poster reading "Jedd Hart's great grandparents were nazi Germany war profiteers" outside the Colorado College Library. Further explanation.

Hotel room curtains will always so effectively block outside light that any sort of natural, gradual wake-up will be impossible.

The surest way to convince an argumentative man that he is argumentative is to accuse him, outright, of being argumentative. 

Any salsa will be at most half as satisfying after it's been refrigerated once.

If i take a pillow from my bedroom into the living room i will always forget to take it back to bed with me. preparing to climb into bed, i will always groan, about face, retrieve. 

I will always feel uncomfortable walking by houses with dogs in the yard when the owners are on the porch. Because the dogs will always bark and the owners will always apologize for them. And I'll always have to say something like: "No, no, he's alright."

i will never see a 3-d art image.

it will always be a thousand times more satisfying to make a shot or score a goal on a basketball hoop or soccer goal with a net than to do so on a hoop or goal with no net.

spaghetti carbonara will always be terrible as a leftover.
if in season, sportscenter's "top Plays" always include a relatively easy catch by an outfielder in a meaningless game and a hole in one in a meaningless round of a meaningless tournament.

I will always be interested in the audio tour.

From now on I'll regret not having referred to laser tag as "loser tag" back when laser tag was cool.

I will never say anything like: "If you had told me so many years ago that I'd be whatever I'd have told you you were crazy!"

Pledge drives will always piss me off.

I will never opt for a sub at a place that offers "pizza n subs."

People who think they're funny and are in fact as far from funny as possible will, when asked to describe their interests, invariably begin by saying, "I like long walks on the beach," as though they're on a dating show or placing a personal ad. 

Unless I'm dying of hunger, I'll never eat another Pringle.

You'll always be taking a real chance if you try to eat a peach while driving a car.

The most important question you can ask at the start of a relationship will always be: "Have you ever eaten dinner at Dairy Queen?"

The spaghetti at spaghetti dinners will always be mushy.

When somebody goes into the bathroom, turns the light on, leaves the door open, then goes completely silent for four minutes, they are always popping zits.

I'll always be glad I did the dishes.

parents at youth sporting events will always scream for offsides and/or over the back.

I will never approve of people singing karaoke with songs they don't already have memorized start to finish.

This will always be one of my fondest memories: Driving down I-25, a car speeds past us, and Blaine tells me pull even with the car so we can see how fast it's going. I tell him how 'bout I just stay a consistent distance from the other car, and he's puzzled. Also the fact that Blaine had come up with an R&B persona for himself named B-Love when he was like 14. 

I will never approve of cyclists riding on busy streets for which there are obvious, parallel, less busy, safer alternatives.

I will never cease to be frustrated by magazines that will go 15 pages at a time without posting the page number.

I will always believe that we won't truly know who the world's fastest swimmer is until we build a giant, round, track-style pool.

People who are struggling will always mention "antidisestablishmentarianism" when trying, "jokingly," to prove their intelligence. These same people will also invariably joke that subpar schools and universities offer courses in underwater basket weaving.

I will never think anyone more conscientious because of a bumper sticker they put on their car. Nor will I think such people any wiser when they use the affirmative "this is true."

Miracle Whip will never tone it down.

Should you use the Sandlot expression "you're killin' me, Smalls" in my company I will never forgive you.

There are certain songs I'll never be able to listen to without getting sad.

I will never ever describe anyone or anything as follows: If you look up Whatever in the dictionary there's a picture of whatever/whoever right there!

I will never approve of MLB teams' celebrating winning a division series with a champagne party.

You'll never catch me introducing some assessment or declaration with, "I'm not gonna lie..."

I'll never forgive myself for wearing a lanyard.

There's no way I'll ever tell a kid he/she should be a lawyer because he/she "likes to argue."





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