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groan, man

IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE, BUT REVERSED

I tweeted to my team: "Banquet Thursday. Bring food. I'm gonna ride up on a white unicorn. Then kill it and grill it. Unicarne asada."

I get really anxious on weekends. Weekend Worrier.

My sister's high school boyfriend was named Marty Linville and this pretty obviously informed my naming of the lint receptacle in my parents' basement-laundry room.

Say I thought there were no good power forwards anymore. That I wasn't a fan of any of em. down on all fours.

First block in the lab, a bunch of nerds all sit in a row. I call this "Nerderer's Row" and it is labelled as such.

A student with a gross neck beard, it's almost like furr...he asked me how to spell prefer...i said I'd prefer that he shave off his prefurr.

If I became a single woman I could change my last name to Tersimons and at least my work name would stay the same. 

Jake didn't have any booze at his house. I suggested he ask the bartender to fill one of his shoes with vodka. Shoedriver.

A colleague had hung a festive line of mini Mexican hats from the lights in her room. The kids were curious where they came from. I said I wasn't sure who the guy was who'd put 'em there, it was just some brero.

Everyone in western Iowa's probably tweaking the lyrics to Death Cab's Diamond and a tether, with "countless bluffs" replaced by "Council bluffs."

I'm annoyed by ESPN's Pablo S. Torre so in my head I've changed his last name to Tupido.

An incredibly repetitive song about parallel universes and about a quarter of the way through it it goes "Second universe, same as the first."

Leave me a loan.

When someone says they like Sour Punch Straws tell them you sure prefer them to Sewer Punch straws. Because those taste like shit.

Some great last names for a knight: Kullkay, Kumstance, Chandreskew, O'Gett, Vingsize

A student fell asleep on the couch and wouldn't get up so I stood on his back and maintained my balance as he tried to wriggle free. dismounting, I declared, "You got surfed."

I don't really know what sort of football players my friends cooper and andrew hubbell are but right now i want to assume they're awful. Because if i assume this then I can imagine myself as their high school football coach and every game i refuse to put them in because we're running the No Hubbell Offense.


In the winter of 2010 my pal Pat Dosch and I had to attend a professional development at the Colorado Springs School District 11 transportation building. We sat in the front row, and here's what we came up with.

On wednesday we had a professional development part of which focused on the use of "sentence-Starters" to help "Get kids writing." So if you were studying the Civil War you'd give the kids something like: "One mistake General U.S. Grant made at the siege of Petersburg was..." and they'd finish the sentence. This made me think - with all the focus on "Sentence-Starters," mightn't "Sentence-Enders" be equally if not more effective? So I created the following worksheet as an example of how "Sentence-Enders" might be used in the classroom: Sentence-Enders Worksheet.


Prohibition poster one.

prohibition poster two.

People will often say "Shoot me an email" when requesting that someone email them. I hate getting emails. I use that expression when I get one, but I put a comma between "me" and "an."

An Abbott & Costello situation, a conversation between two operatives who are not on the same page:

Operative 1: Do we have the cargo?

Operative 2: Check.

Operative 1: Good. Do we have the maps?

Operative 2: Check.

Operative 1: Good. Do we have the cash?

Operative 2: Check.

Operative 1: Check? What check? Do we have the cash?

Operative 2: Check.

And so on...


Band Name: The Long-Sleeve Tease

Sue D'Eaunym

Draw some black frame glasses on the giant plastic egg in my classroom and call it "Malcolm Eggs."

A poolshark named William Yurdz

The one kid on the team whose name is also a depressing recreational activity: blank Van Kampen.

We're now referring to the giant plastic egg in my room as Yolko Ono.

If a British man said "aloe vera" in the presence of a likely British also woman named Vera with whom he was not acquainted she'd probably "respond" by asking, "Do I know you?"

Gotta friend who has decided to go monastic, gave away all his possessions. His name? Lester Izmore.

When I look back in attempt to determine where things started to go wrong for me, I often return to the inflated sense of myself I unconsciously developed during elementary school. I was the fastest kid in school, and at that age the fastest kid is typically the coolest kid. So I thought I was untouchable and have never really recovered from the trauma of realizing I wasn't the fastest kid at West Middle School. The problem, you see: I grew up too fast.

Name for a villain: Upton O'Good

If you put a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream in your cup of coffee, there will probably be a deposit of minty chocolate at the bottom of your cup. This is called seda-mint.

Name for a successful investment banker: Lucas Ritiv.

And the other part of my backyard, with the flag stone and table and chairs, that's called the Bachelor Patio.

Q: Who was William Wallace's favorite football player?
A: Johnny Unitas                ...Unite the Clans!)


A colleague of mine has an insanely effective pencil sharpener, leading me to call it a pencil sharpenest.

I told the kids Mr. Simons doesn't have a female alter-ego. But, I told them, if he did, surely she'd be a nun named Sister Mimons.


A character: A man with a really weak neck. His neck's so weak that when you give him the slightest nudge his head will wiggle around for several seconds. His name is Robert Bullhead.
 

I use this character on all of the rubrics I use to grade my students' essays and presentations. He is the forgotten cousin of Ranger Rick, the raccoon who teaches kids about nature. My friend Adam drew him for me. His name is Rube Rick.


I choose to write, sometimes, under the pseudonym Simon Scaresmore.
 
When Stan Marsh finished Of Mice and Men he yelled "Oh my god, they killed Lennie!"

Name for a guy who has attained eminence in his field or is an inspiration to others: Lewis Minary.

Okay. If you were looking to give
this interaction a fairy tale-style title, what would that title be? (Answer)

A man who believes, delusionally, that he can cook the finest chicken lo mein mankind has ever known suffers from Mega-Lo Mein-ia.

This is my
proposed mascot for any human rights organization.

A travel writer named C. Nick Roote.
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